How to instantly connect with people!

Do you find it hard to talk to someone you’ve just met, let alone get instantly connected to them? Do you admire people who seem to hit it off immediately with anyone they’ve just met?!

Thankfully, you don’t need to have a ‘warm, bubbly personality’ to make friends on the spot! To engage and connect with another person is a skill in itself. And for sure, it’s helpful in building relationships and in all sorts of social settings. Nevertheless, any skill is learn-able, if you want to learn!

Listening to their audiences is precisely why some businesses are more successful than others, because they’ve learnt how to listen to their customers, in order to meet their customers needs.

Often, people are more focused on themselves rather than you, they don’t want to know what you’re like, they want you to know what they like.

So, is there a magic formula for instant connection?



Ta da! Yes, it’s really that simple.

Listening in itself is an art and is the most important communication skill you can develop – above talking!

If you listened more than you talked, you’d get that connection going at your first encounter.  

Because when you’re (genuinely) asking the questions and listening, you’re showing the other person you prefer them and are more interested in them rather than you. Then they feel understood. So they feel they can trust you.

Listening can establish trust and understanding instantly, leading to a rapport with that person.

So let’s take a look at trust and understanding abit more:

TRUST – establish TRUST from the start:

You won’t feel free to be yourself if you don’t feel you can trust the other person you’re talking to, right?

The #1 rule of The First Impression is that …. first impressions form the last impression! You only have 3 seconds to get ‘sized up’ by the person you’ve just met. And vice versa. So you want to be sincere in your approach.

How do you express sincerity? Simply speak clearly and gently, and look at the other person in the eye when you introduce yourself. You will get the other person’s attention and allow them to gauge who you are.

Don’t glance away or get distracted while you’re engaged in a conversation. Or overly smile so that it looks fake.  Or you will give the impression that you’re not genuinely interested in who they are.

UNDERSTANDING – ask questions to understand the other person

We all want to feel understood. Not agreed with, necessarily, but to feel that my views and opinions are listened to without judgement or that you’re jumping on what I just said!

For you to understand the other person, just listen to them. Reflect, and ask them questions, and listen to their responses.

So you ask a question (not give a statement, advice or instruction) and use an open ended one like: “How do you see this?” Then you listen to their response and don’t interrupt until they’re done talking. Or they ask you a question back,

RAPPORT results in you demonstrating trust and understanding

Nobody wants to talk to a rude, talkative, loud person! How unpleasant that would be!  Ah that feeling of a flowing, harmonious conversation…that’s when you know you’ve established rapport.

Rapport will help you feel connected. When you’ve established connection, you can keep going further along in the conversation, and onto the next step – whether it be an action or a desired response.


It’s one thing to have the skills, but caring about people, wanting to  connect with them is quite another thing. Your heart attitude is key, and it’s expressed through everything you do and say. That’s why we can feel people if they’re being genuine or not!

To truly be a good listener, is to be patient and other-person focused. If you’re impatient and self-centred, you’ll do all the talking, trying to get your point across – this will sabotage your goal of connection. Have ever noticed that before?

Right, let’s look at some more practicalities:


These tips can be applied in any setting – from personal friendships to business & work  scenarios. These principles are universal to all, regardless of our occupation, position or role – people want to be understood, at first.

Examples of settings:

  • A relative or family member you haven’t met before
  • A college student, church member, peer
  • People you meet at a dinner, party, any social setting
  • A work colleague, manager, boss.
  • A potential business client, customer

Quieter, less distracting environments are more ideal. Find a quiet place where you’re not interrupted by waiting staff, phone calls, or other family/members/staff.

When you’re both sitting down you’re more likely to be focused and relaxed.

Be prepared to give the other person your FULL attention.

Listen to understand, not to reply, react, teach at.

Listen to emphasise.

Listen without judging or pre-determining your answers.

When people share their problems, they often realise what the answers are once they’ve shared.

So only give advice or instruction if they ask for it.


Why don’t you practice this on a friend or family member:

  • Ask the right, open ended question, for example: “How did you feel it went today?”
  • Maintain eye contact with the talker you’re engaged in.
  • Try not to look elsewhere or at your watch – focus and concentrate on their talking. Nod every now and then to acknowledge you are listening to what they say.
  • Let the talker finish talking, by waiting for a pause, then reflect back.
  • Now ask another question.
  • Short pauses/silences are ok. The talker may be collecting their thoughts, or processing through what they want to say next. Just wait. This gives you time to process as well.
  • Be brief with your response.
  • Repeat the above.

See what you’re trying to do? You are asking the questions, and doing all the listening and reflecting.

Congratulations, you’ve learnt to instantly connect with people!

This is the beginning of YOU being a great communicator!

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